Review of… 2012?
I write this from the present – which would be your future because you’re in my past, so it’s my present. It doesn’t matter. What matters is this: it’s 2013.
This message is being amplified by The Copper Foundation’s Trans-Pulse Network, bouncing off five satellites, aligned with the Tau Ceti Star, the Medusa Cascade, the Horsehead Nebula, the Mutter’s Spiral and Clom. Apparently, it’s not the most sophisticated way to send a message back through the time vortex, but it should work.
I think I remember this being published on Kasterborous – a mysterious article, supposedly written by me… though I didn’t know when I actually did it. I guess it works then.
Anyway. I’m here to give you hope. I remember January, just about. Rumblings about castings; confusion about air dates; the ongoing fear that Matt Smith and Steven Moffat will leave imminently.
Well, calm down. 2012 was just grand.
The Grand Moff brought with him one of the best series – ever. We saw brand-new enemies of course, but it was fantastic to see the return of the Daleks – with a new puce foot soldier to add to their ranks – the Ice Warriors, the Silence and – oh, who could forget the Chumblies?! Wow.
The series opener? Mind-blowing. And good on Mr. Moff: though loads of people kicked off, he stuck with the title, Spoiler of the Spoilers.
The season finale? Oh, how the nation cried. End of a series. There were reports of self-harming, until the Beeb revealed that Doctor Who would return at Christmas,
with The Doctor and the Bleak House. It was ‘too complex,’ naturally, because it involved the phrase, “Button mushrooms! How did you save the universe with button mushrooms?!” But all the non-Daily Mail readers lapped it up.
Matt Smith has officially been voted the Best Doctor Of All Time, and has no plans to quit before the decade closes. There were street parties with bunting and those little cakes with edible ball bearings. Of course, it didn’t stop the newspapers from betting who would take over the role. The Telegraph launched a new tabloid, The T, which guesses that the will be played by either a fish/human hybrid or David Beckham.
The Olympics, in case you were wondering, went swimmingly. Especially the swimming. It was a surprise to see the Long Jump on Brighton Beach, but it all worked out in the end. It was also nice that Sir Boris let David Tennant carry the flame for a while too, although he later admitted he thought he was Leonard Nimoy. Awkward.
The Opening Ceremony was fantastic, despite the crowd briefly disappearing.
Of course, the heartbreak of the year was when Amy and Rory left the TARDIS for good. It was spectacular though. Both have huge careers ahead of them, and they’ll always have the fans chasing them for autographs, photos and anecdotes. The power of Doctor Who, readers. The Power of Doctor Who.
2012, eh! What a year. You’ll love it.
Oh, yes, ‘course! You’re scratching your head, asking how I exist in 2013. Good news – the world didn’t end. It nearly did, but the Doctor saved us all using a quantum-particle accelerator, The Killers’ new album and an iPhone app that records your mates’ voices and plays them at a slightly-higher pitch.
…Uhm, not the Doctor. ‘Cause everyone knows he’s dead. I mean, Lee from Lancashire.